477 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
477 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
<HTML><HEAD><TITLE>WWW.ROCK.RU - Ðîññèéñêèé Ðîê-ïîðòàë</TITLE>
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href="http://www.rock.ru/cgi-bin/ikonboard/ikonboard.cgi">Ôîðóì</A> </TD></TR>
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style="CURSOR: hand"> <A class=menulink
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href="http://www.rock.ru/gb/index.php">Ãîñòåâàÿ Êíèãà</A> </TD></TR>
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<TR>
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<TD vAlign=top class=menucellmiddle height=100 background="IMG/bgleftmenu.gif">
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<a href="http://top100.rambler.ru/top100/">
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<img src="http://counter.rambler.ru/top100.cnt?259915"
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alt="Rambler's Top100" width=1 height=1 border=0></a>
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<!--end of Top100 code-->
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<Center> <!--begin of Top100 logo-->
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<a href="http://top100.rambler.ru/top100/">
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<img src="http://top100-images.rambler.ru/top100/banner-88x31-rambler-black2.gif"
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alt="Rambler's Top100" width=88 height=31 border=0></a>
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<!--end of Top100 logo --><br>
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<a href=http://musiccounter.ru >
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<img src=http://musiccounter.ru/hit.pl?id=3501&style=3 height=40 width=88
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border=0></a>
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</center></TD></TR>
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<table border=0 width=540 height=100%>
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<td vAlign=top> <DIV align=left>
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width="95%">
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<TBODY>
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<P>
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<DIV ALIGN="Center"><FONT FACE="Verdana" COLOR="#D1D1D1" SIZE=2>
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<strong>«×ÓÄÎ ÃÈÒÀÐÀ» ÈËÈ ÎÕÎÒÀ ÍÀ ËÎÕÎÂ</strong></DIV></FONT><P>
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<FONT class=text>
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<P align=left><B>Àâòîð - íåèçâåñòåí</B><br>
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Ìàòåðèàë áûë ïðåäîñòàâëåí íàøèìè äðóçüÿìè <a href="http://www.kombik.ru"><B>www.kombik.ru</B></a></P>
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Èäåò êîíöåpò, ãpóïïà èãpàåò. Ìûñëè ìóçûêàíòîâ:<br>
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Ñîëèñò: "Âàó, êàê ÿ ïîþ! Êàê ÿ òpÿñó õàèpîì! Âñå äåâ÷îíêè â çàëå ìîè!"<br>
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Óäàpíèê: "Ýõ, êàêîé ÿ pèòì âûäàþ! Óãàpíî, áûñòpî, òåõíè÷íî. Äåâ÷îíêè
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ïpîñòî ñòîíóò!"<br>
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Ðèòì-ãèòàpèñò: "Óõ òû, êàêîé ÿ àêêîpä âçÿë, çàøèáèñü! Âñå äåâóøêè îò
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ýòîãî áàëäåþò!"<br>
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Ñîëî-ãèòàpèñò: "Âî, êàêîé ÿ ñîëÿê âûäàë! Êàêîé äpàéâ! Äåâ÷îíêè ïpîñòî
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ïëà÷óò!"<br>
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Áàñ-ãèòàpèñò: "Äî, på, ñîëü. Äî, på, ñîëü. Äî, ôà, på, ñîëü..."<P>
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<hr size=-1><P>
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Îòåö ïîäàðèë ñûíó íà 14-ëåòèå áàñ-ãèòàðó. Äîâîëüíîå ÷àäî âîçâðàùàåòñÿ
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ïîñëå ïåðâîãî óðîêà è çàÿâëÿåò ðîäèòåëþ:<br>
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- Ñåãîäíÿ ÿ âûó÷èë ïåðâûå ïÿòü íîò íà ñòðóíå G!<br>
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Ïîñëå âòîðîãî óðîêà:<br>
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- Ñåãîäíÿ - ïåðâûå ïÿòü íîò íà ñòðóíå D!<br>
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Òðåòüå çàíÿòèå:<br>
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- Ïåðâûå ïÿòü íîò íà ñòðóíå A!<br>
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×åòâåðòîå:<br>
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- Ïåðâûå ïÿòü íîò íà ñòðóíå Å!<br>
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Îòåö åãî è ñïðàøèâàåò:<br>
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- Ñûíîê, à êàê æå øêîëüíûå çàäàíèÿ?<br>
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 îòâåò:<br>
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- Ïà, ìíå íåêîãäà. Çàâòðà êîíöåðò.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ãèòàðèñò ïîñëå ñìåðòè ïîïàäàåò â ãèòàðíûé ðàé. Âñòðåòèâ íîâîïðèáûâøåãî,
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àðõàíãåë Ãàâðèèë ïðîâîäèò ýêñêóðñèþ.<br>
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- Âîò, - ãîâîðèò, - êîìíàòà Ñòèâè Ðýé Âîýíà. À ýòî êîìíàòà Äæèìè
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Õåíäðèêñà...<br>
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Ãèòàðèñò:<br>
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- Ñêàæèòå, à ãäå îáèòàåò Èíãâè Ìàëüìñòèí?<br>
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- Åãî çäåñü íåò. Íî îí â ïóòè... À âîò è Âàøè àïïàðòàìåíòû.<br>
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Îáàëäåâøèé îò òàêîãî çâåçäíîãî ñîñåäñòâà ãèòàðèñò äîëãîå âðåìÿ íå ìîæåò
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óñíóòü, âîðî÷àåòñÿ ñ áîêó íà áîê. È òóò çà ñòåíêîé ñëûøèò êàê êòî-òî
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òåðçàåò äðåâíþùèé «Ñòðàò» è «Ìàðøàëë» «Òðèëîãèåé». Íè ôèãà ñåáå, äóìàåò,
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Ãàâðèèë îáìàíóë, âåäü Ìàëüìñòèí, îêàçûâàåòñÿ, ìîé ñîñåä!<br>
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Íàóòðî, íå óñïåâ ïî÷èñòèòü çóáû, ãèòàðèñò áåæèò ê àðõàíãåëó Ãàâðèèëó
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âîñòàíàâëèâàòü ñïðàâåäëèâîñòü.<br>
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- ×òî æå Âû, äîñòîïî÷òåííûé, - ãîâîðèò, - ëþäåé îáìàíûâàåòå!
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Ìàëüìñòèí-òî íå «â ïóòè», à æèâåò ÷åðåç ñòåíêó îò ìåíÿ.<br>
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- Ýòî íå Ìàëüìñòèí, - îòâå÷àåò Ãàâðèèë. - Îí äóìàåò, ÷òî îí - Ìàëüìñòèí.<P>
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<P>
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Âîïðîñ:<br>
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- Ïî÷åìó äåâóøêè íå ëþáÿò áàñèñòîâ?<br>
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Îòâåò:<br>
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- Ïîòîìó ÷òî, êàê è â ìóçûêå, áàñèñòû - íàðîäåö æàäíîâàòûé.<P>
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Âîïðîñ:<br>
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- ×åì îòëè÷àåòñÿ «Stratocaster» îò «Les Paul»?<br>
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Îòâåò:<br>
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- «Strat» ãîðèò ëó÷øå, à «Les Paul» - äîëüøå.<P>
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Âîïðîñ:<br>
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- Ñêîëüêî ïîòðåáóåòñÿ áàñèñòîâ, ÷òîáû âûêðóòèòü ëàìïî÷êó?<br>
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Îòâåò:<br>
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- Íè îäíîãî. Ïèàíèñò ìîæåò ñäåëàòü ýòî îäíîé ëåâîé.<P>
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Âîïðîñ:<br>
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- Ïî÷åìó ãèòàðèñòû íå àõòè êàêèå ëþáîâíèêè?<br>
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Îòâåò:<br>
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- Â ïîñòåëè íåò ìåñòà äëÿ èõ ëþáèìîãî óñèëèòåëÿ.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Áàñèñò ãîâîðèò ãèòàðèñòó:<br>
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- Õîòü óáåé, íå ìîãó âûó÷èòü ïàðòèþ.  ÷åì ìîÿ îøèáêà?<br>
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- Â ÄÍÊ!<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Çíàåòå, êàê çàñòàâèòü áàñèñòà èãðàòü òèøå? Ïîëîæèòå ïåðåä íèì íîòíûé
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ëèñò. À åùå òèøå? Íàïèøèòå íà íåì íîòû.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ïîäõîäèò êàê-òî áàðàáàíùèê ê ãèòàðèñòó è ãîâîðèò: "×òî ìíå äåëàòü, ìåíÿ
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íèêòî íå çàìå÷àåò, ÿ íà çàäíåì ïëàíå ñèæó, ïî÷òè âñþ ðàáîòó äåëàþ çà
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ãðóïïó, à âñÿ ñëàâà ãèòàðèñòó äîñòàåòñÿ, ïîäñêàæè, êàê ìíå ñòàòü
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ãèòàðèñòîì, ÷òîá ìåíÿ âñå íà óëèöàõ çàìå÷àòü ñòàëè"<br>
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Ãèòàðèñò åìó îòâå÷àåò:"Âñå î÷åíü ïðîñòî: êóïè ñåáå Fender, ïðèìî÷êó
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ïîäðàéâîâåé, à ÷òîá ñîâñåì êðóòûì ñòàòü òàê åùå è íà ïðîöåññîð íå
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ïîñêóïèñü, âûó÷è ïàðó àêêîðäîâ è âñå òåáÿ ñðàçó çàìå÷àòü ñòàíóò".<br>
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Áàðàáàíùèê îáðàäîâàëñÿ, âçÿë äîìà êó÷ó äåíåã, ïðèáåãàåò â ìàãàçèí è
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ãîâîðèò:"Ìíå, ïîæàëóéñòà, Fender, ïðèìî÷êó ñàìóþ äðàéâîâóþ è ïðîöåññîð
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ñàìûé äîðîãîé".<br>
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Ïðîäàâùèöà:"ß áû ñ ðàäîñòüþ, íî, âèäèòå ëè, ìîëîäîé ÷åëîâåê, ýòî ÐÛÁÍÛÉ
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ìàãàçèí!<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Âîïðîñ: Ñêîëüêî ãèòàðèñòîâ íóæíî, ÷òîáû ñìåíèòü ëàìïî÷êó?<br>
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Îòâåò: 100!<br>
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1 áóäåò ìåíÿòü, à 99 ïîñìîòðÿò è ñêàæóò, ÷òî îíè ìîãóò ìåíÿòü ëàìïî÷êè
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íàìíîãî êðó÷å.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ó àpìÿíñêîãî pàäèî ñïpàøèâàþò:<br>
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- Êàê îòëè÷èòü ãèòàpèñòà îò ïëåéáîÿ?<br>
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- Î÷åíü ïpîñòî! Hàäî ñïpîñèòü ó îáîèõ, ÷òî òàêîå pick-up.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ïðèõîäèò âîêàëèñò â ìàãàçèí. Ñìîòðèò - ìîçãè ïðîäàþòñÿ!<br>
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Ãèòàðècò - 40 ðóá/êã<br>
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Óäàðíèê - 60 ðóá/êã<br>
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Áàñèñò - 850 ðóá/êã!<br>
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Îí è ñïðàøèâàåò - à ÷òî ýòî áàñèñòñêèå òàêèå äîðîãèå?<br>
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- Òàê èõ ñêîëüêî íóæíî ïîðóáàòü, ÷òîáû õîòü êèëî íàáðàëîñü! ;-)))<P>
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<P>
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Ìîëîäîé ãèòàðèñò ïðèøåë çàïèñûâàòüñÿ íà ñòóäèþ. Íî âîò íåçàäà÷à! ×åì
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áîëüøå èãðàåò, òåì õóæå ïîëó÷àåòñÿ. È äàëüøå - õóæå... Âðåìÿ 12 ÷àñîâ
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íî÷è. Çà ñòåêëûøêîì ñèäèò ãðóñòíûé îïåðàòîð... Êîôå êîí÷èëñÿ, ñèãàðåò
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íåò, æåíà òðè ðàçà çâîíèëà, îáåùàëà èç äîìó âûãíàòü. Íàäîåëî åìó ýòî
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âñå. Âêëþ÷àåò îí ìèêðîôîí â ñòóäèè è ãîâîðèò ãèòàðèñòó:<br>
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- Ñëóøàé, ïàðåíü! Ëàäíî, âñå, õîðîø! Íó, íå ïîëó÷àåòñÿ. Íî òû õîòü
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ãàììó-òî ñûãðàòü ìîæåøü?<br>
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- Ãàììó! Íåò ïðîáëåì!<br>
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- Ñûãðàé, à ÿ ïîòîì íàðåæó!<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Æåíà áàñ-ãèòàðèñòà âîçâðàùàåòñÿ èç ìàãàçèíà äîìîé è, ïîäíèìàÿñü ïî
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ëåñòíèöå, ñëûøèò äèêèé øóì, ðóãàíü è äåòñêèå êðèêè..<br>
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Îíà âëåòàåò â êâàðòèðó, à òàì ìóæ ñ óòþãîì â ðóêå áåãàåò âîêðóã ñòîëà çà
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ðåáåíêîì, òîò óâîðà÷èâàåòñÿ è âèçæèò.<br>
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-???!!! Òû ÷åãî?!<br>
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- Äà ïðåäñòàâëÿåøü, ïîãàíåö, êîëîê íà áàñó ïîâåðíóë, è íå ãîâîðèò,
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êàêîé!<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ñèäÿò äâà ïàíêà. Îäèí íà ãèòàpå òpåíüêàåò è ïîäïåâàåò:<br>
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-Áëèíííí! Áëèíííí!<br>
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×àñ èãpàåò:<br>
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-Áëèíííí! Áëèíííí!<br>
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Äâà èãpàåò:<br>
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-Áëèíííí! Áëèíííí!<br>
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Âòîðîé âäðóã:<br>
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-Çàïèøè ñëîâà, çà äóøó âçÿëî!!!<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Âîïðîñ:<br>
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Ñêîëüêî ãèòàpèñòîâ ïîòpåáyåòñÿ, ÷òîáû çàìåíèòü èñòî÷íèê ñâåòà â XXI
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âåêå?<br>
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Îòâåò:<br>
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Ïÿòåpî. Îäèí áyäåò ìåíÿòü ýòîò èñòî÷íèê ñâåòà, à îñòàëüíûå áyäyò ñòîÿòü
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pÿäîì è ãîâîpèòü, íàñêîëüêî ëy÷øå áûëè ñòàpûå ëàìïû.<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Îäíà ìîëîäàÿ ðîê-ãðóïïà êëàññíî èãðàåò, íî, êàê âîäèòñÿ, ïðîçÿáàåò â
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ïîëíîé íåèçâåñòíîñòè. Íàêîíåö êàêèì-òî ÷óäîì åå ñëûøèò êðóòîé ïðîäþñåð è
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ïðèõîäèò â ïîëíûé âîñòîðã. Çàêëþ÷àåòñÿ êîíòðàêò íà çàïèñü, òóðíå è
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ïðî÷åå. Ãðóïïà îïÿòü ñòðàøíî íàïðÿãàåòñÿ, çà ïîëãîäà äåëàåò øèêàðíóþ
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ïðîãðàììó è åäåò ñ íåé íà êîíêóðñ.:<br>
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È âîò, ñîáñòâåííî, êîíêóðñ. ×àñ äî âûñòóïëåíèÿ - áàñèñò êóäà-òî èñ÷åç.
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Ïîë÷àñà - òîæå íåò. 10 ìèíóò - íåò. Íàêîíåö ïîðà âûñòóïàòü, âîêàëèñò â
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îò÷àÿíüè áåðåòñÿ çà áàñ, îíè ñòðàøíî ëàæàþò, èõ îñâèñòûâàþò, ïðîäþñåð
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ðâåò âñå êîíòðàêòû.:<br>
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Ñèäÿò îíè, óáèòûå ñîâñåì, â ãðèìåðêå. Âäðóã ââàëèâàåòñÿ ïüÿíûé â ñîñèñêó
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áàñèñò ñ äâóìÿ òåëêàìè è, èêàÿ, ãîâîðèò:<br>
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- Ñìîòðåë ÿ òóò èç çàëà, êàê ìû âûñòóïàëè... ÒÀÊÀß ËÀÆÀ!!!<P>
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<P>
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Íà óëèöå íåäàëåêî äðóã îò äðóãà ïîäðàáàòûâàþò äâà ãèòàðèñòà - ìîëîäîé è
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ñòàðûé. Ìîëîäîé ìóçûêàíò ïîêàçûâàåò ñóïåðñêîðîñòíóþ òåõíèêó, "ïèëèò" ïî
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âñåìó ãðèôó, ñíîãñøèáàòåëüíî èìïðîâèçèðóåò, à ñòàðûé ñêðîìíî ñòîèò â
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ñòîðîíêå è èçâëåêàåò âäóì÷èâî ïàðó-äðóãóþ íîò. Îêîëî ìîëîäîãî ãèòàðèñòà
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- íèêîãî, îêîëî ñòàðîãî - òîëïà íàðîäó.<br>
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Îäèí ñëóøàòåëü íå âûäåðæàë, ïîäîøåë ê ñòàðîìó ìóçûêàíòó è ñïðàøèâàåò:
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"Êàê òàê ïîëó÷àåòñÿ, ÷òî òîò ìîëîäîé ìóçûêàíò áûñòðî èãðàåò, ïîêàçûâàåò
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ôàíòàñòè÷åñêóþ òåõíèêó, è åãî íèêòî íå ñëóøàåò, à âû ñïîêîéíî èãðàåòå
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íåñêîëüêî íîò è âàñ ñëóøàåò òîëïà íàðîäó?" Ñòàðûé ìóçûêàíò ïîäóìàë è
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îòâåòèë: "Îí òîëüêî åùå èùåò ñâîþ íîòó, à ÿ óæå íàøåë..."<P>
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<hr size=-1>
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<P>
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Ïðèõîäèò ãèòàðèñò (Ã) ê âðà÷ó (Â). Ïðîèñõîäèò äèàëîã:<br>
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Ã. ß âîò ñîëî-ãèòàðèñò. Äóøà êîëëåêòèâà. Íà ìíå âñå äåðæèòñÿ. Äà âîò
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÷òî-òî ñ ãîëîâîé ñòàëî: íå ìîãó íè÷åãî ïðèäóìàòü íîâîãî. ×òî
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ïîñîâåòóåòå?<br>
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Â. À âû â ïîñòåëü ìî÷èòåñü?<br>
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Ã. Íåò.<br>
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Â. À êóðèòå ìíîãî?<br>
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Ã. Ïà÷êà â äåíü.<br>
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Â. Íîðìàëüíî. Ìîæåò ïüåòå íåìåðÿíî?<br>
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Ã. Äà ÷òî âû? Ïàðà ñòàêàíîâ â äåíü, íå áîëüøå.<br>
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Â. Òîæå íè÷åãî. À çíàåòå ÷òî? Äàâàéòå ìû âàì òðåïàíàöèþ ñäåëàåì -
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ïîñìîòðèì, ÷òî æå ñ ìîçãàìè ïðèêëþ÷èëîñü.<br>
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Íà òîì è ïîðåøèëè. Îòêðûâàåò âðà÷ ÷åðåïíóþ êîðîáêó ïàöèåíòà. È âèäèò,
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÷òî ìîçã ïîäìîê. Ïðåäëàãàåò îí òîãäà ãèòàðèñòó îñòàâèòü ìîçã -
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ïîäñóøèòüñÿ. À ñàìîìó ïîéòè ïîãóëÿòü ïîêà. È çàéòè çà ìîçãîì ÷åðåç
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íåñêîëüêî äíåé. Ãèòàðèñò óõîäèò. Ïðîõîäèò íåäåëÿ, äðóãàÿ, à ïàöèåíò íå
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âîçâðàùàåòñÿ. Îáåñïîêîåííûé âðà÷ çâîíèò ãèòàðèñòó:<br>
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Â. Äà âû áû, áàòåíüêà, çà ìîçãàìè ñâîèìè çàøëè áû.<br>
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Ã. À ìíå íå ñèëüíî íàäî. ß íà áàñóõå ïîêà...<P><P>
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<centar>Åñòü èíòåðåñíûå ìàòåðèàëû äëÿ ðóáðèêè, òî
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ïèøèòå <A HREF="mailto:rock@rock.ru">rock@rock.ru</A>
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<center><B><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=-2 COLOR="#B4B4B4">Copyright © 2001-2002.<br>
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Âåá-äèçàéí è îñíîâíàÿ èäåÿ - <A HREF="http://rocklive.by.ru">Rozanov Oleg</A>(Old Rocker)</FONT>
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